Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
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The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.