the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
You Might Also Like
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
🤣🤣🤣
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”