The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
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I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
How can I say no to this ?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead