me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
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when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Oh my god
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Doggies just call it style.