Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
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[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Always…
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏