My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
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Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin