Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
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My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
*mops up wine with cat*
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Money is the root of all wealth
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run