brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
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Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
every college guy’s fridge
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I put the mess in domestic.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms