mechanics be like
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me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t