Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
You Might Also Like
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.