Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
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This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
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*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom