Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
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*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Accurate
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
yall want some gasoline milk
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife: