me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
You Might Also Like
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
uncle dave has been through hell
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.