When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
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they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]