I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
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My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions