The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
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If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?