If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with