The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
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We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.