I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
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Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH