Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
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Get in loser we’re going crying
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter