Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
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Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did