How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
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San Francisco has too many rules
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person