You Might Also Like
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Erm I’m gonna say no
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.