I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
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Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.