Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
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Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning