The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
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My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
When someone trying to leave me
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Unimpressed
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby