Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
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I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Siri, fight Alexa.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking