God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
You Might Also Like
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Just how popey was the pope today?
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
seems like a niche market
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.