gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
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OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.