me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
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Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Just why bro?!
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here