Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
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Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.