My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
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Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
The Others (2001)
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
United Steaks of America