Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
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My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
look at me when i’m typing to you
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.