“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
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[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Good morning
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]