interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
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People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?