ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
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TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
There is wisdom there.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.