Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
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My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.