When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
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If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
#SCOTUS one-star review
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.