How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
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My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.