*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
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her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.