My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
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Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
The glockness monster
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?