Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
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Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.