Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
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Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
first you must answer his riddles
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.