My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
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[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
This rocks
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.