The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
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Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
this is how life feels
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.