Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
You Might Also Like
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
How it started How it’s going
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.