Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
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We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft