the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
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When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.