HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
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Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!