Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
You Might Also Like
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”